Issues

I made the startling discovery today that i may have some previously unknown issues that need addressing in my life. as i was contemplating some implications of these things, the thought occurred to me that these issues have been prevalent in my life for quite a while and i just hadn't recognized them as such. i also came to the realization that i may not have ever met anyone who shares this same set of problems or at least not to this extent. Im sure that most people have some sort of similarities of course. i thought to myself "maybe i should blog these problems and see if there are any others that feel, think about, address, and are affected by this as much as i am. So please read and comment or email if you "resonate" (thanks for the word matt chandler) with me on this issue that has even had me condidering some mild counselling when i get back to the states.

Today..... i bought a bicycle.
I have been trying to find a bycicle for a few months now. having one would be a great convenience here. Twice before had I been to the section of my street where many bike shops are clustered together. After unsuccessfully communicating with a few shop owners, i decided i needed to bring a friend with me to help. I had spent very much thought on what kind of bike i wanted. (thus begins my delimma). at first i tried to find a used bike. i could not. then i began to think about getting a new one. For the past few years i have been entertaining the thought of buying a road bike and cycling place to place as i have need. i then found an old classic bike at the plano/richardson dump while there with granddad. other than requiring a new seat, the bike was perfectly fine. thus.... no road bike. So here i am with another oppotunity to try my hand at a road bike. i decided this week that i had waited long enough and was never going to find the perfect deal and that i should just buy one. i have been quoted a road bike at 470yuan which is about 68 dollars. So i thought "now is the time!" this is a chance to try it out for reletively cheap. so today i went with my friend and we looked.....and looked........and looked......and looked. i found a few but in the long run the cheapest one i could find was about 580yuan. it was a pretty good one and felt better riding than the others. but it could not be that easy. a normal bike cost about 300yuan. most of my friends cant afford a new bike so they buy used ones from 50 to 100 yuan. here i am with my friend about to spend double what a normal bike costs and 5 times what my friends bike costs. Doubt creeps in and as i think about the purchase i feel so guilty and burdened by this that decide to look around and see what else is there. I went back and forth and back and forth between this bike and other cheaper ones. i start to see all my selfish superficial reasons for buying such a bike. i have this image in my head of me riding it which i think looks rather cool. i really enjoy the smoothness and the speed of it. my thoughts of excercise and being able to explore new places outside of the city and my desire to try my hand at a road bike become mere justifications in my mind. yet when i approach the other plain bike with rack and basket and comfortable seat it looks to me completely undesirable. i think to myself "what convenience is it to have a road bike in a metropolis of 3.5 million people." shouldn't i have one strictly to serve the purpose for which i need it (i.e. riding to class and the gym) Then i think "but shouldnt i spend 70 to 80 dollars on at least something i like?" this continues until either my want and desire or my perceived (possibly self contrived) convictions .......cave. For some reason throughout this whole process i feel as if the weight of the world hangs on this one decision. Today i bought the cheaper bike. all in all with lock and everything it cost 400yuan. only 180 less than the road bike. as i ride home with my friend i think to myself "i dont even like this bike and i spent nearly as much as the one i wanted." Im sure now that i made the wrong decision but if i had bought the road bike i would be having this exact same internal battle except for different guilt and reasons for why i felt the way i do. i would be as unhappy as i feel now. the stress and conflict make me feel horrible. On top of everything my mind naturally goes to "its just a bike" but this has NEVER worked. i cant explain why.

Im not sure if you know this but i do this with nearly everything. even small stuff although to a much lessar extent. when i bought my backpack, i felt horrible and guilty for dropping that much money on camping equiptment and even going backpacking that summer brought out that feeling. when i wanted to buy a (much needed) camera for my 2 year excursion here i decided to refrain. i had no peace. then when i got one for christmas felt the full wieght of guilt regardless. today i realized that this always happens to me. I have struggled before with how to spend money in a godly way but today i realized that this may go beyond that and it might be a serious issue. please if this sounds like you or if you have ever heard of this extent of conflict in this area comment or email me (danielhester@pobox.com). i really would like to know if im alone in this or not. i would also like to know how to fix it.